What then made you consider me, Sir?

Posted by Heena Golecha On Friday, January 3, 2014 0 comments

I kept looking at the clock on the wall,
You must have heard it ticking a lot of times.
Many a times, hearing the sound of silence.

I tried looking at my phone every-time you spoke.
I tried making no eye - contact while You were talking;
While I was talking.

I dressed messy, no curiosity what so ever.
Didn't do my hair, no kohl to spice up the stare.
At the worst I could be.

I told you, I was wild; I told you I had nothing to do with the reality.
I told you that I believed in dreams.
I told you I was a maniac. Nothing could bring me down - not even the gravity.

What then made you consider me, Sir?
I am may be filled with I.
So much so that I have no space left.
I told you... It will be congested.
You might choke and suffer....
Every breathe you take.

I believe in love stories, I said;
They are for real!
To me a bond is to grow my inner self.
Not to grow families in thread.

What then made you consider me, Sir?
I might not give you happiness...
But I promise you that you will find yourself, someday...
Every one goes through that pain.
But, don't you think it's your turn now, Sir?

I make no money, I sing no song
Though I am blessed the way others are not.
Nothing makes sense to me for sure.
What then made you consider me, Sir?

Project Milap!

Posted by Heena Golecha On Friday, September 14, 2012 2 comments

No matter how much people hate you. It does not matter how much of an anti- social you are. Because the younger ones at home are always going to look up to you. Definitely in my case; if not yours. The piece that you are going to have a read off is a perfect example of influence. Just speak a few high funda Angrezi words and there you go! they are flattered. I flattered my sister so much so that she thought I was the perfect person for the interview she had to take, as part of her school assignment. The interview had to be of a person whom she looked up to in her life.Now that makes me feel like a star(at least in the assignments).

Here are a few excerpts from the interview...

She first starts with the introduction (which makes me feel so happy about my existence). Then, she begins her rapid fire.
Q1:  You always tell me things I cannot imagine to think off. I find you really weird most of the times. So what makes you have opinions which people cannot relate to at all? 

(This question took me by surprise. It felt like as if I was being made fun off. and when you are angry, you do not realize but you actually use all of your energy. I did and this what I came up with.)

Ans: Oh come on now...its really O.K to have a very individualistic opinion...would u like it if I collected   hundred other people who say that they hate you? not a good feeling right?

 Q2:  I find you at home all the time. There are times when I so wish you are not at home. But this wish of mine never gets granted. What makes you not socialize much/ why do you live in self- isolation?

(I thought i was popular but, Oh lord! She knew how much of a loner I was!)

Ans: what is isolation? is it just staying in a group for the society to not term us as loners and still feeling apart (or) staying alone but a bit more complete than the others staying in a herd?

Q3: Who according to you is not a good friend?

(She always wanted to pinch me right there at the tiniest place of my heart by saying that I hardly spoke on phone. I should surrender my phone to dad. She simply meant to say that I was a friendless soul!)

Ans: I am sure you do not read books at all because I always see you gossiping around with people. I would want to quote a wise saying of an author who thinks, "A friend to all is a friend to none!". And you lame lass, that is what I try to follow. also, someone has truly said, "I have had enough of acquaintances. Now, I look for a golden heart". 

She gave me a smile. A very assuring smile as if she agreed to what I said. And this was the first smile without a hint of mockery and insult that she carried all the time I had seen her smile at me!

Q4: So you are doing your Journalism. Must be really busy. Ain't you? What do you have to say on what uncle Y's words which go something like this..." journalism is a course where you only have to do "blah blah blah"!! what is your take on that?

Ans: I thought of defending ..but then I thought; probably they find it blah blah blah for they don understand the language we are talking in..chuckle..positive thinking you see!

Q5: You listen to music only when you breathe. What is your state of mind when you are listening to music?

Ans: Winning inspires me..losing aspires me...winning and losing are like the seasons we ought to face. But I know that in the midst of fury, I need to sing, sing and sing; for music is my messiah and I seek for a refuge in it when there are tremors in the thoughts of my mind! That is why i listen to music all the time.

Q6: How was your summer internship at Mumbai? 

Ans: Who is in my life now and who is not, who hurt me and who did not, who is my close friend and who is the best , what I have to do in life and what not!I thought these were of much importance. But this city taught me that living this moment is of prime importance. Mumbai life is a struggle. If u successfully live the present, its like u have achieved something! And trust me, its worthwhile!

Q7: Who is your favorite actor? 

Ans: One of the most inspiring actor of all times would be ME. I don remember when I have been myself last. It has to be. People are the other actors that I like.  
  
(I felt the most comfortable silence with her. An invisible bond was being knitted. What started as an explosion of hatred was slowly changing its course like a silent wave- swaying, crystal clear river almost reaching its tributary.)

Q8: Who do you listen to? Mind or the heart? Who is your master?
Ans: whats on my mind and whats in my heart. They are in my body though they are apart. So much of contradiction they have against each other! Wish there was just the mind or just the heart,rather! 

Q9: Who do you look up to?

Ans: I can get inspired even by you. Every time I look at a person I have something to learn. Yesterday I was reading about Aung San Suu kii and looking at the situation in Burma, the political atrocities, THE VIOLENCE, I now understand how great a person Aung San Suu Kii is. Burma clearly depicts a scene of the world worse than hell!Its indeed true...depressions have become a birth right! Like it or not -you shall have it!

Q10: What is love according to you?

Ans: At times, I feel, does love ever die? or did it ever exist? what am I looking for when i want love? Is love an over- rated definition or is love something very petite and thats what all it is?does love ever die? or did it ever exist? what are we looking for in people? Is love an over rated definition or is love something very petite and that is all what it is?

She ends her questionnaire and leaves the place. This interview thought me how important it was to communicate. Nobody is ever going to know until we tell them what is on our mind. We fail to realize how much we are missing by not communicating.  I always felt humiliated when she mocked at me. Not that I do not feel it now. we still have our own sat fights but today, it makes much more sense when we fight. we first fought about space, burgers, pizza, car keys...today, we fight about the rising poverty. Today we feel that the soldiers of the opposite regiment have also sacrificed their lives and  not just our Indian Bhailog.



 


 




Bellow of the Bathos!

Posted by Heena Golecha On Sunday, September 25, 2011 0 comments

        I am still on the verge of learning and understanding not so trivial issues. A complex did take place in my head for not knowing but yes, not for long! my heart stood strong. What makes me happy in spite of not knowing much is, I still have a burning passion to know.
        But, a question arises from the heart. And not to forget, I listen to my heart only when everybody else stops listening to me. Sad! During one of the depressed moments, It asks me with a bellow, "do you really think that you are unaware?" Have not you heard of the wise saying, Fools only talk and empty vessels make noise? why do you get intimidated?" But my head contradicts saying," Look at their flow of thoughts, their words. By the time I think, I see them standing upright for what they feel. My eyes then intrude. This is it! The eyes give me an answer and I am liberated, at least for that one moment. they say ,belle! I have just shown you a sight. Its on your head to discover the insight!
         Luckily, for once my head listens to the heart. But as heads are famous for, one side of it needs logical explanation. From that very moment, when the head loses its battle with the heart and the eyes, it starts exploring to find every reason to prove them wrong! Head strongly believes in "Seeing is believing. And that is what the rest of the people do. So in order get noticed, taking a stand becomes important." So important that the head stops seeing the unseen. The one who are vocally strong and are preferred by the preferred seem to be the ones KNOWING IT ALL!
          What made the head see the unseen? Was it a spiritual experience? Something marvelous discovered in the caves? Well, the head did not physically go to these places, but felt much bigger and powerful reading just few lines of a writer, Vinita Dawra Nangia, a Sunday times' writer. All my questions are answered with these few lines,
        " If you have participated in a discourse on philosophical or spiritual issues in the day, had a heated discussion on the state of the nation, or stood vigil in the sun while Anna fasted, you feel you have done your bit and are a worthwhile cog in the wheel of life. Some others may get the same feeling after reading a good book or watching a movie that leaves them with some worthwhile thoughts and questions." My moment of liberation! I do not know anything about her. But she was a timely help to my head!
          It took me twenty two years to understand that people who stand strong can be the most feeble. And the liberated souls can be belittled. Wisdom is , discovering those from the people suffering from bathos. Ask those who spend months and years in prison for heinous crimes,  WHICH THEY HAVE NOT COMMITED.  The Raymond Daniel Towlers , the Iftikhar Gilanis, and the ones still fighting for freedom. Towler says, " Nothing is free. Not even freedom". The system has proven to be anti- justice to them. Yet they remain humble and composed. Often, souls like these do not strongly impose ideas, instead are level- headed, Following their chosen path with silence speaking louder. I am convinced that being verbal and projecting ALL THAT YOU KNOW is not what is needed to make a change. Working towards it matters. Truth lies in them. These are the people who fought for something and stood strong. Not the ones, who only speak to have a unique idea and fail to understand that they are suffering from a contagious disease called " Bathos". 
                 ALBERT EINSTEIN makes me even happier by saying that, "Imagination is more important than knowledge, for knowledge is limited but imagination encircles the world". I have started differntiating the  souls who imagine and are Seeking for knowledge, unlike the people who prefer the trivial notions of the preferred.
                    Lord! May the wise arise and mellow the bellow of the bathos!

  

Ambiguity!

Posted by Heena Golecha On Sunday, February 13, 2011 4 comments

                  It has been really long since I have spoken something confidently.Facing the class debates and discussions have become a pain,a mere pain.The sweat glands start working at their best at times when I am asked of my opinion on something.Forget about the presentations that I have to do on the regular basis,I am at a fix when people ask me the simplest of questions like what kind of food or clothes I like.I feel nervous when I have to make decisions.
                 So long I thought that this was because I did not know so many things I ought to know.But now it feels like I should not have known a lot of things that I know.Reading books on growing your personality,on winning,on having ambitions have inculcated so much of passion and excitement that now I go through a tough phase on losing even the smallest of battle.It feels like as if each and every part of my body wants to win and only win.Winning has become a primary goal,A NECESSITY.In this growing attitude of winning, I have stopped living.Every situation of mine makes me feel like as if I am being judged.
                 I was much contented and happy before when i was unaware of issues that I hardly thought existed .Now, the more I try getting a clear picture,the more I am left with confusions.The more I convince myself to  feel that the world is a beautiful place to live in,the more I am confronted with its ugliness and bias.
                 I feel strange to my own self.I did ,at one point of time question everything I felt was wrong but now I do not really know what is wrong and what to believe in.I am tired.Now,I sure know that life is not a bed of roses.
                To relax and re activate myself from these not so positive thoughts I go back to my family and friends.I get all cheerful and happy.But they again take me back to the world of questioning how the society is.They make me isolate myself from them and my own self even more.
                I somehow feel that I will for sure get my answers some day.I definitely will frame my own opinions on issues of public interest and intelligence.And that day I' ll publish another post to let you know that yes,life is to dis-cover,to experience.
               Until then I will shut myself from this illusion called people.I here after have stopped giving vain full attempts of trying to make friends or relationship out of self-centered people who are so in-secured,so confused,running behind people to show the same people that they are powerful and influential.I am in constant search for a place,for a feeling that is eternal and real.I hope to find it and help a lot more like me trying to get their questions right!!!!!!

How Should I feel In This Dead Dead World With A Dead Dead attitude?

Posted by Heena Golecha On Saturday, October 30, 2010 2 comments

            Human cruelty has reached such a state it has left me feel expressionless,emotionless.Human being!,Strangely,this term makes me feel that how can human be a being? for being means,"absolute existence in a perfect or a complete state,not lacking any essential characteristic".Is'nt mercy an essential characteristic?


                          " Hey Eeshwar,ae Khuda,Jagruth kar hume tu zara...
                           Jhaad kate hain,Laash bichi hain,
                           Jagruth kar Manavtha se zara,
                           Maanush chand paiso ke liye nanhi jaanon ko hain maare,
                           Jagruth kar tu inhe Karuna se zara."

                    This thought came to me when i was thinking of Muskaan(11) and Ritish(10),siblings to each other and children of the ill fated parents,Sangeetha and Ranjith,who were abducted by their private taxi driver and eventually were killed by him when he pushed the kids into the water canal 120 kms away from the city.I was trying to feel the suffocation Muskaan and Ritish would have gone through.The canal water slowly taking its kingly sized place into their body washing off the body blood from each and every cell and each and every part of the innocent victims.How happy they would have been when they were told that they were being taken for a picnic and the same contradictory feeling of helplessness crying for help being replaced at the time when they were drowning. Muskaan was on the verge of tasting the sweetness of adolscence,probably eager to meet the guy she would have had a crush on.Or may be she would have thought that "wish I could wear colour dress and wear those matching pins mumma had brought last summer from nani's place.Did she,a 11 year old, even know that she was being sexually assaulted when the so called "humans" were enjoying the pleasures pushing her towards misery and darkness?Oh no,Oh no,this is not the world they had imagined.Nor did we. And Ritish,oh my,the only thought that would have played in his mind when he was in the car travelling towards his destination of death was ,as to which game he would play with his friends once he got there on the picnic spot,a reason that the murderer lied to succeed in his selfish,inhuman plans.Ritish's mind would have been overflowing with ideas planning to play a prank on his friend once he got in touch with the rest of his friends.Innocence would have been at its best at that time.Eagerness could  have derived its best definition from these kids before the horrendous incident.

                    Today,Ritish could have had the best sunday snack and might have gone out with dad to get the daily stationary needs that a kid of his age would always crave for.A new pen,a new notebook with the whitest of pages to write on since the pages were over in his old one.Muskaan trying to dance or paint or sing in the most "girliest" way possible, at times fighting with her younger brother to leave her alone and not to play with her stuff.
                    
                    I was then thinking about the man behind their killing.Why did he kill them?Why was his mind manipulated?So much so that killing the "physically immatured skinny kids" had become a left handed easy job for him?there is so much of lack in awakening among the people today.Had he been thought the true essence of life,he could have been the best person certainly doing his bit to make this world a better place to live in.I now realise how not worthy it is to give birth to a child.How will I face the growing child? How will I answer the questions it will ask,apparently, leaving me ponderous and inarticulate.what will I share with my child to make him amazed of the life on this planet earth? To make him eager and happy about the fact that he was born as a human being? the words my self-awakening and personality development teacher told last class comes alive on my mind.He says,
what kind of life are we going to give the next generation?
will we be able to answer the new kids the questions that they ll pose about this deadly world?
will we be in a position to give them a happy safe world?
what are we doing to give them a better world?
Then i start humming Declan Galbraith's song early in the morning when i am in the loo..

"In my dreams,children sing,a song of love for every boy and girl
 Sky is blue and fields are green,
 Laughter is the language of the world.
 But i wake and all i see,is a world full of people in need.
 Tell me why?does it have to be like this.
 Tell me why?coz i don't understand,when so many need somebody,we don't give a  helping hand,tell me why.
 Everyday,i ask myself,what will i have to do to be a man?
 Do i have to stand the fight?
 And prove to everybody who i am?
 Is that what my life is for?
 To have wasted in the world full of war!
 Tell me why"...

                    This is an incident,a sad mark ,which will remain engraved in the annals of history.The nature cried,the skies were gloomy and indifferently purple showering the chill rains hurting my skin with crooked unshapely black lines on the cloud giving me a feel of a barren land covering the light blue sky.

"HOW SHOULD I FEEL?I AM NOT UPSET.I AM NOT SAD!
I AM NOT DEPRESSED NOR AM I GLAD.
THE FACT THAT THE HUMANS ARE THIS WAY HAS MADE ME GO ON WITH LIFE
 WITH NOTHING AFFECTING ME DEEP INSIDE MY HEART!" 

I

Posted by Heena Golecha On Monday, September 27, 2010 0 comments

A journey less travelled,
when travelled,will leave one marvelled!
A voyage so difficult to go..
A destination so near and i did'nt know.

What is "I" all about?
wish I spent time thinking about it all throughout;
It is painfull,it is illusory,
how do I seek in a society full of glory?

Were it the times of ill-fate which lead me to this journey?
Or was it to heal my pain or for others agony?
"I" and my body are near yet so far...
How do I find and bloom this flower?

It is intense!and one needs to leave the state of pretence.
But what is true and what is pretence??
One moment I am happy and the other I am sad!
sad for not knowing that the moment I felt happy did actually make me glad?

What does being happy mean?
Is it the dejection that is actually healing the pain?
for despiriting of the heart is where the journey again starts..
To unravel the mystery of "I" and the sorts!

who am I?
where am I?
what am I?
How am I?

selfish and jealous : lacking zealous!
but helpless and so wanting to be selfless!
An infant is not aware of the world it is said.
But is there in it that the secret of "I" is kept?

This stage of innocence was serene and true,
After which the emotions grew,pseudo and untrue..
Piling up on the "I" which got embedded inside;
Attachment and pleasure covered it like a heap of dust,so vile.

How do I discover the journey of "I"?
When no routes and no maps are laid to try!
Why is growing up so painfull,so vainfull,so dry?
Will my thirst quench and will I seek "I"?