It has been really long since I have spoken something confidently.Facing the class debates and discussions have become a pain,a mere pain.The sweat glands start working at their best at times when I am asked of my opinion on something.Forget about the presentations that I have to do on the regular basis,I am at a fix when people ask me the simplest of questions like what kind of food or clothes I like.I feel nervous when I have to make decisions.
So long I thought that this was because I did not know so many things I ought to know.But now it feels like I should not have known a lot of things that I know.Reading books on growing your personality,on winning,on having ambitions have inculcated so much of passion and excitement that now I go through a tough phase on losing even the smallest of battle.It feels like as if each and every part of my body wants to win and only win.Winning has become a primary goal,A NECESSITY.In this growing attitude of winning, I have stopped living.Every situation of mine makes me feel like as if I am being judged.
I was much contented and happy before when i was unaware of issues that I hardly thought existed .Now, the more I try getting a clear picture,the more I am left with confusions.The more I convince myself to feel that the world is a beautiful place to live in,the more I am confronted with its ugliness and bias.
I feel strange to my own self.I did ,at one point of time question everything I felt was wrong but now I do not really know what is wrong and what to believe in.I am tired.Now,I sure know that life is not a bed of roses.
To relax and re activate myself from these not so positive thoughts I go back to my family and friends.I get all cheerful and happy.But they again take me back to the world of questioning how the society is.They make me isolate myself from them and my own self even more.
I somehow feel that I will for sure get my answers some day.I definitely will frame my own opinions on issues of public interest and intelligence.And that day I' ll publish another post to let you know that yes,life is to dis-cover,to experience.
Until then I will shut myself from this illusion called people.I here after have stopped giving vain full attempts of trying to make friends or relationship out of self-centered people who are so in-secured,so confused,running behind people to show the same people that they are powerful and influential.I am in constant search for a place,for a feeling that is eternal and real.I hope to find it and help a lot more like me trying to get their questions right!!!!!!
4 comments:
Wow!Heena, beautiful blog,I was able to sympathize and empathize with yourthought in many places. But I was quite sure that reading those sort of books never helps people like us.
But still, its nice to see you thinking clearly and putting it in words beautifully. Though I agree with you about people going with people just for the sake of it, I have to be honest, Itoo want to be that way, just to have a sense of belonging somewhere.
Even I will suggestyou not to read such books with indepth analysis of the world, I seriously wonder what those losers understood about the world or psychology.
Its only that people like you and me are able to tell it out and many people who read it would just say that it is helping them out or sowing a seed in their brain or something silly.
I find multiple layers of confusion and frustrations Heena. So many different things are plaguing you. Of course, in the long run, a common thread connecting them could emerge. However, right now you should tackle them one by one rather than putting them in the same basket.
As for the writing, I see a remarkable improvement. There are still traces of conversational style but I see a very positive progress happening! :)
One simple thought Heena...Live without pain, without fear and without guilt. I have been reading lots of books...for a long time. JK says -"Do not Compare". May be life is not so simple!
You must be wondering who this is.....I am working as a prof in mech @ amrita....I also do personal counseling aiming to make people understand life and live happily. Contact me for any help:)
Dear Professor,
Yes, I am held in between the clutches of not knowing and comparing myself to those who are percieved to be knowing it all. Thanks for letting me know that you are there. I shall definitely come to you seeking for help when I hit the walls.
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